Just Once
by Dream1n9big
Summary: Some of Mulder's true feelings come to light in this one-shot.


_**Oh how I wish I owned these beautiful life ruiners, but sadly, they belong to Chris Carter.**_

* * *

Scully's eyes scanned the kitchen, taking in the blackened wall behind the stove and the white residue from the fire extinguisher that now covered every inch of the surrounding cabinets and countertops. Her gaze fell on the charcoal pot that still sat casually on the burner and she cursed under her breath. She was still trying to shake off the aching in her chest left from the argument that had just elapsed between her and Mulder as she started toward the sink for a rag. Hot water rushed over her hand, scalding it, but she barely noticed as her mind drifted back to just an hour before.

* * *

"Scully, is that you?" Mulder said absently from the kitchen as he heard the door open and shut.

"Who else would it be, Mulder?" Scully appeared in the doorway, struggling to get her coat off without dropping her briefcase and keys. Mulder just sat and watched until she finally succeeded. "Thanks for the help," she jabbed, sighing. Scully looked up to see the usual array of pencils sticking in the ceiling, but considering they had now migrated to her kitchen, she was not amused. Mulder seemed to be off in another world, but he did manage to ask how her day had been. "It was fine. I had two surgeries, so the day went pretty quickly."

"Hmm," was all Mulder gave in response. He wasn't really listening, but instead was caught up in whatever he was reading. Scully's curiosity got the best of her.

"What are you working on?" she asked, heading to the stove to start on supper. When Mulder didn't respond, Scully dropped a pot on the stove so it would echo just a little too loudly.

Mulder jumped in his chair. "Jesus, Scully," he said, eyeing her from across the room.

"Mulder, what is it that has you so distracted that you can't even talk to me after I've been at work all day?" Her frustration was building and she'd left most of her patience behind in the operating room. To keep from getting too angry, she filled the pot with water and turned on the stove, and then continued to stare at it, waiting for it to boil. When Mulder was still not forthcoming, she whirled around and glared at him, hands on hips, eyebrow raised.

Feeling eyes on him, Mulder looked up. Her eyes bore into him until he realized he hadn't given her any idea as to what he was doing, and he wasn't too keen to, either. In fact, now that he thought about it, he probably should have kept this to himself until he knew a little more. It was probably going to upset her, but lying to her now and having her find out about it later would be much worse. Taking a deep breath, he whispered with the exhale, "I think I found William."

* * *

Scully shut the water off and rung out the rag before taking to wiping down the kitchen. She picked up the blackened pot and tossed it into the sink where it clanged against the stainless steel. She winced slightly at the sound, but continued scrubbing the surface of the stove. She kept trying to replay her reaction in her head, but even she wasn't sure how she had responded.

* * *

The look of surprise that appeared on Scully's face was unsettling, even though Mulder was half-expecting such a reaction, but when she turned away to face the stove again, he knew something was wrong. He got up and crossed the room in three strides, finding himself standing directly behind her as she began dropping spaghetti into the boiling water. The silence was getting to him, and when he heard a sniffle, he pulled on her elbow to get her to turn around.

"I'm fine, Mulder." Scully's ever-faithful response when showing emotion had once again remained as loyal as ever. Mulder continued tugging on her arm until she finally gave in and spun around. The tear that had been desperately clinging to her eyelash fell with the motion and her hand jumped to brush it away, but Mulder was faster. His thumb traced the bottom of her eye, drying her face. She refused to look up at him. "I told you not to go looking for him," she whispered, eyes still downcast.

"I know. But Scully, just think. Now we can make sure he's ok…"

"I'm sure he is just fine, Mulder." Scully's voice was calm, but her shoulders tensed at the fact that Mulder had gone against her wishes. In fact, the more she thought about it, the angrier she became. She stepped around Mulder and started walking toward the table to get away, but Mulder wasn't going to let it go.

"Scully, wait. I thought you would be happy to find William. If I knew if would hurt you, I wouldn't have done it." Mulder's eyes pleaded with her to understand.

"Mulder, of course it hurts! I'm the one who had to make the decision to give him up, remember? I'm the one who had to deal with protecting him from the same people who kept you from being with me to help in the first place! So tell me how you thought it wouldn't hurt!" Her tiny body trembled in anger.

"You know I didn't want that! You know how badly I wanted to be here!" Now he was finding it hard to control himself. "You of all people should understand that!"

"The whole point of giving him up was to protect him, to keep him away from the darkness that is constantly finding us no matter how many times we run from it!"

"We could have protected him! Did you ever think of that?! We might have ended up in a few messes, but at least we could have done it as a family!"

His words cut through her. Family. The only thing she'd ever really wanted in life, and that had been taken, too. "Of course I thought of that! I went over and over every possible way that we could have kept him, but it wasn't worth it, Mulder! I wanted him to have a normal life, to grow up like a normal kid. You shouldn't have gone looking for him." The tears threatened to spill, but she refused to show weakness again.

"I want to see him so bad!" Mulder felt as shocked as the look he saw cross Scully's face. He had never admitted to her how much he wanted to be a dad. He'd never even really admitted it to himself. But the truth was out, and he was helpless now that it had been said. "I need to see him."

Scully's emotions were so mixed she was rendered speechless. She couldn't think of what to say next, but she didn't need to because the reaction was natural. "Fire!"

Mulder spun around so quickly he almost fell over, but he was quick to grab the fire extinguisher as she tried foolishly to throw a wet rag over the flaming pot. She jumped back as a flame licked her sleeve, but was able to put it out while Mulder sprayed the entire surrounding area.

* * *

She almost laughed at the thought now as she moved on to the countertops. The incident was so absurd, but that didn't change the fact that a lot had come to light in the past hour. After the fire had been put out, she had found words, although not the words Mulder wanted to hear.

* * *

"Mulder," Scully said, taking a seat at the table, "how come you've never told me this?"

"I guess…I guess I never realized how much I wanted to be a father until being a father was something I couldn't have, something that had been taken from me the instant being a mother had been stripped from you." Mulder's voice had broken halfway through and now a single tear had formed a path down his cheek.

"Mulder," Scully whispered, her heart breaking with the words she was about to speak. "You know we can't go after him, right? It's not safe…for any of us."

Mulder's head hung low, and his stature was that of a broken man – a man who had worked so hard and fought for so long for the truth but had never gotten the proper answers. Not answers that mattered anyway. "I know." That was all he said before turning and walking out of the kitchen. She didn't try to go after him. She knew this feeling. She knew he had to deal with it on his own just as she had.

* * *

Scully slumped into a kitchen chair, exhausted. She sighed while running a hand over the ripped and charred material of her dress. As she thought of everything that had transpired, the emotions became too much and soft tears began slipping silently down her cheeks. Everything that she had been feeling and everything she ever thought about William came back again and it was too much, so she finally let it out. She let herself cry for a good five minutes before bothering to wipe her face, and when she did, a pencil falling from the ceiling hit her on the top of the head and fell to the ground. After everything that had happened, while staring down at that pencil, she burst out into a fit of giggles so violent that Mulder came back to the kitchen to see what was going on.

"Scully, wha…" He stopped when he saw her. She didn't laugh much like that anymore. The smile on her face reached all the way up to her red, puffy eyes, and her giggle was so contagious that he couldn't help but join in. When she finally stopped to catch her breath, he said, "I'm sorry."

"No, Mulder, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gone off on you like that."

"Scully, stop. You have nothing to be sorry for. You asked me not to do something, and I should have respected that…or at least done it behind your back." He met her surprised face with a wink before crossing to meet her and taking her in his arms. He held onto her and she pulled him closer like she was going to lose him at any moment, and the way their lives were, he supposed it was always a possibility, so he refused to let go until she did, even if that was never.

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_**Please rate, review, leave me suggestions for more fics, etc. I love hearing from you guys! :D**_


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